watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
