Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
