Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize