Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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