The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
