my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
