She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize