Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
