woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
