my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
