what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
