mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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