think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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