Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
