I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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