cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i came on her dog
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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