walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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