Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
