I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
