Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
