I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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