If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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