I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
