Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
