when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
