We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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