Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
