I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
