I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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