So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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