I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
