I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
