So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
