I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you will always have a special place in my vag
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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