This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
