member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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