just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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