How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
