I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
