I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
