I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize