More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
