It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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