I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
