So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
