did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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