Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
