like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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