onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
