I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you would pick up someone in the library
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
