She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
