I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
