It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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