Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jerry, you need to find god
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
