I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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