I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
