I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
