Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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