my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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