I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
