I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
