the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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