I smell stomach acid.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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