What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
