I heard we made out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
