she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize