What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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